shaped

two poems from may

i burned the bridges firing between my neurons for you 
released something tender  
from shackles made of bone and  
shaped something like my mother 
sharp around the edges 
uncertain of anything including but not limited to 
something like self-worth or 
something like certainty or 
something at all like something else 

memorized hues of ruptures blooming 
red then purple then green then yellow 

i let go of nightmares 
of spherical masses 
bouncing and bouncing and breaking 

and now on the inside 
i feel rotten 
and i move through the molasses this grief has placed upon my bones 
and i see your smile in my dreams (crooked/stained//learning/faltering) 
and i feel your touch on my skin (warm/weathered/flush/flesh) 
and i hear your voice in my head 
(baby, darling, beautiful) 
and i hear your voice in my head 
(i love you i love you i love you) 
and i saw you with my mind's eye 
and both of our mind's eyes touched and held hands and danced around the fire  
something like witches  
something like embers  
something at all like something else 
and for a brief moment we were good 
together

i wash my hands of devotion 
falsified
swallowing shards of dejection 
splayed out  
across the barren landscape of me 
i repeat the mantra 
“i know i could love you  
through a blissful ignorance” 

instead i swallow the key 
place a four chambered gun 
behind bars 
build a bridge 
dig a moat 
construct a maze  
making friends with minotaurs and 
ghosts and something at all like 
somethingelse 
something at all like 
redthenpurplethengreenthenyellow 
i don't remember 

do you remember 
where you were 
when you heard that ball drop? 

bouncing 
and bouncing 
and breaking  

---

cracking the soft shell of my heart like an egg onto a hot stone 
laying in the grass eating dirt to be closer to you, or to my mother, or to my sister, or to my great great great great aunt 
spreading my fears out for you like a deck of cards 
shuffling and folding and bending 
i miss you like a thread misses the spool 
or like stars miss being understood / comprehended / unquestioning / unquestioned / unwavering / unwavered / planets / birds / trees / me / you 
like the soft part of me misses / the soft part of you